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On love

I can’t sleep. I always sleep. I love people deeply and I believe in humanity, but this troubles me.

These are thoughts on love, from a me as a person- not a straight person, not a married person, not a woman, but from me as a person. Yes, all of those ‘labels’ contribute to form my identity and are a part of who I am, but they don’t define this discussion.

It’s story time. How I fell in love. People often ask ‘how did you meet your husband?’ and I love to tell the story, and yes, it is relevant.

I was a student of a great cello teacher, studying to be as good as I could. Like a good student, I practised all the time, working as hard as my physical and mental capacities would allow. It was the summer, and a handful of the the teacher’s class had followed him to a summer camp in upstate New York, where we did more practising and had music lessons and played concerts. That’s what musicians do. (Image source)Meadowmount photo Laura and Cecilia copy

I was not expecting someone from halfway across the world to be on holiday in the same place, to catch my eye and my heart, but he did. He was there 5 days. One of the 12 girls staying in the old water mill that was converted into student accommodation had been swimming in a mountain stream and heard the British accents of the holiday makers, and invited them to tea. Late one evening they came by and that was it. We sat opposite one another at a long wooden trestle table in the rustic kitchen, sipping tea and eating banana muffins with a half dozen other people. And that was it. We didn’t even speak a word that night, but like I said, he caught my eye and my heart.

Everything in my being had changed. After those 5 days (and yes, we did speak the next day) I knew I could not live without him. I remember my cello teacher asking me in a lesson – What is wrong with you? – and his wife who was there, as she accompanied his students on the piano, said – She’s in love. Can’t you see?

It really wasn’t planned. I didn’t plan to disrupt my concentration and my music studies just before my final undergraduate year by falling in love. After those 5 days when he left and went to his home that was a world away, across the ocean, we had the (very expensive coin operated) telephone in that mill and hand-written letters.  I remember driving the 1500 miles from upstate New York to my home with only a single pit stop at Niagara Falls that literally lasted 10 minutes because I knew there was a letter waiting for me in the post box. I was in love.

When I got home I told my family that I would be leaving the country to visit him for a month over Christmas and they were so angry they threatened to cut me off, taking my car keys and check book. I told them if that was what they wanted, then I would be gone by morning.

(they backed down)

I didn’t know anything about his family. I didn’t know anything about his wealth or poverty. I didn’t know anything about his health. I certainly didn’t check that he had a functioning undercarraige, and he had no more information about me. (sorry to be crass, but honestly, when you fall in love, there is not a check list.)

I was overwhelmed with a life changing desire to be with that person and I still feel that way to this day, 21 years and nearly 19 years of marriage later. I am so glad to have him beside me, and I cannot imagine finding that love – that you are willing (without a second thought) to leave your family, your country, your way of life, that beautiful love, and to be punished for it. Just because I don’t love other women, or other men for that matter, does not mean that I would ever consider hating, or even being cross with someone else because they have also found love, but it doesn’t fit the Barbie meets Ken pattern.

When you find that kind of love it comes upon you like sunlight. You can’t turn off the sun or deny it exists. That’s not a lifestyle choice. Eating low fat yogurt is a lifestyle choice.

 

Featured image by The Green Gables CC BY-NC-ND

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